Do you remember, back in school, that kid who was always complaining? The cry-baby? The one who was always asking questions like, “Why does he get all the breaks?”, “Who blew the curve this time?”, or “When will Mr. Johnson cut me some slack?”

That kid didn’t go anywhere. He just got taller.

The whiners and complainers you knew as a kid exist in your workplace today. Maybe you’ve heard some of their questions?

• When are they going to fix the XYZ system?
• Who broke the build this time?
• Why can’t they just follow the process?

Maybe you’ve even heard yourself ask some of these from time to time?

While it might feel good to sit around and complain with your coworkers, it isn’t terribly productive. In fact, it can even be detrimental to your reputation. Here are three reasons why you should avoid the complaining and the gossip.

Its “Other” Centered

The problem with most of these types of questions is that they’re targeted at other people. When will he do X? Why doesn’t she get it? Who made the mistake?

While you may wish that the other person would do something different, the only person you have one-hundred percent, total control over is…you guessed it…yourself. That person you see in the mirror every morning is the only one you can fully control.

If you flip the questions around, by asking about your role in the situation, you take ownership of the problem. When you own the situation, you have the ability to change it. At a minimum, you can change your reaction to it.

John G. Miller calls this the Question Behind the Question.  Instead of asking Who, When and Why questions, try asking questions How and What questions which focus on you and your actions. For example

• What can I work on while the XYZ system is repaired?
• How can I make the code better so it’s harder to break the build?
• What can I do to make sure everyone knows what the process is?

Notice that these questions focus on what you can do, rather that complain about someone else. Not only that, but they provide a path forward to making things better, instead of wallowing in self-pity.

It Hurts Relationships

Sitting around and complaining about someone else is not a great way to build relationships. We all know that a well-functioning team will run circles around the lone developer. To have a great team, you need trust. Each time you gripe about another person, you erode that trust, even if it’s not a person on your team.

When you complain about what so-and-so did or didn’t do, your teammates might nod their heads and sympathize with your statements. But somewhere in the back of their mind, they’re wondering, “Gee, if this is what she says about that person when they’re not around, I wonder what he says about me when I’m not there?”

Even if you’re not complaining about somebody in particular, whining about the situation makes you seem weak and ineffective. Instead, ask questions about how to tackle the problem or work around it. This demonstrates leadership and an ability to get things done.

It Doesn’t Solve Problems

Even if we have a legitimate issue, if the person you’re talking to doesn’t have the power or ability to help, you’re wasting your time. Whining to Mary about how Joe broke the build doesn’t help Joe become a better developer nor does it fix the build. Your buddies can’t help you get a raise. Talking to your manager about how the company is doing or what you can do to improve is much more likely to get you that bump in pay. (Notice the “how” and “what” words in that last sentence?)

Own the Problem

I’m not suggesting that you can solve every problem that comes your way. What I am saying is that you can take ownership of your part of the problem. Find the people who can solve the problem. Determine what you can do to support them.

The situation may suck. That’s ok. Acknowledge the difficulty of the situation. Believe that you will figure it out. Ask for help or how you can help others.

Take ownership of your problems. Ask questions about what you can do to solve them. Realize that you can only control the actions of yourself. Find the people who can actually help you. Do these things, and I think you’ll find that many problems don’t turn out to be as big an issue as you originally thought.